Life is very interesting...

I didn't expect to be in the place/state of mind I am in when I left for class earlier tonight. I went to class in a pretty good mood. After we finished going over the chapter and taking the quiz we began talking which led to pretty interesting convo. I have been hearing the same things a lot lately from completely different people, (about myself) some of these people don't even know each other. I made a decision late last year and reinforced it harder as this year passed, the decision was to not let anyone else in, in anyway shape or form. Meaning new friendships or relationships. I have always preferred a small circle anyway but I didn't even want any new "associates". There have been a couple exceptions of people who kinda made it in, but in a way they were "pre-existing" but we just began to communicate and see each other more. Once I began to notice the games, bs or w/e u wanna call it, I dealt with it in my new way of basically saying "fuck em" and making a note in my mind that THEY NO LONGER MATTER and trying to train my mind to associate hate and dislike w/ them. Which apparently I shouldn't do, even if they're liars or full of shit. It was brought to my attention tonight that I seem to have blocked my heart & made it cold. When I think about it, it's true. I used to not be this way, I used to try to always remain open to people(friends and or associates I already had and newer people to my life) but its been difficult for me to do the forgetting part of forgive and FORGET! So since I'm hearing it from quite a few different people, I think maybe I need to address it in my life. Its very, very hard for me to try and open myself back up to basically "the world" because I refuse to get hurt, tried, played with, etc... ever again! But my teacher said something that made me think of it differently. People are brought into your life for many different reasons and you never know when you meet them why, how long they will be in your life and so on... you also never realize the effect you may have on people so you should always be yourself and don't let anger, hate, bitterness, or the past change you. I really thought about that. I've always had the "everything happens for a reason" mantra and I fully believe it even though its hard as hell to accept sometimes, but I do believe it. He also said you should be yourself and be happy because your life affects you and if they choose to use people and lie and w/e else, its their journey in this life and odds are they are unhappy people. Which makes sense. I do want to be happy and I don't want my daughters to ever feel this way so I am honestly going to try and stop being so quick to just write people off and hate them because all that does is make me angry and more bitter inside which will never help me to be happy. This will not happen overnight, because the way that I am now didn't just happen overnight, it was quite a few years in the making. I did realize something very important(well Ive always known but this made it clearer) I have 2 best friends period! I don't even need to name them because they both know who they are and if you truly know me you also know who they are. We love each other, even with all of our faults and we fight just as hard because of that, but the point is that they are 2 very deep relationships. We would kill a bitch over each other, although they themselves aren't friends, they still know. I appreciate these 2 relationships more than anything, (besides my daughters). So yea... I'm really going to just let people be themselves with no expectations and however they choose to act is on them. I am however not gonna go out of my way to please people but I am going to try and be nicer than I have been. Someone else recently told me: "you're so mean and you don't even really know me, why is that?" And I said you know what you are right I should actually get to know you before I treat you like that because you haven't done anything to me. ;) Well I guess that's it for now because at this point I feel like I'm rambling. Oh but I am gonna start going to church because I feel like I need it and it may help me stop being so angry and so quick to hate. Alright like always, COMMENTS & QUESTIONS are always welcome and appreciated! FOLLOW THIS BLOG PLEASE! And on twitter: twitter.com/ama_nicol
-AP :D