I know its been awhile...

The last half of 09 was kinda wierd and crazy and busy as well... Some where around late Oct. I came into this new state of mind and basically reinforced it once the new year came. The past 2 yrs have been filled w/ LOTS of change! I am a cancer and I hate change! So, needless to say it took me awhile to adjust and just accept shit. First off the pregnancy in 08, was never how I wanted to have a second child but it is what it is and it had to happen that way for a reason. My best friend also moved out of the state in 08 and I was in a nightmare of a relationship(if u can even call it that) and my 2 other next in line besties were "out of reach" lets just say. So I felt very alone and I was pissed off and depressed. I couldnt wait for 09 to get here because I said this will be a MUCH better year and I guess it really was. Nothin to really complain about. I basically continued to learn and finish adjusting to the new things thrown at me from 08. I was basically still alone because the 2 friends came back into the pic but one got fucked up w/ the law and the other was still there but things were def different. So I still felt sorta depressed and Im glad I had someone that was very helpful in talking and listening to me. My teacher of all people! Hes great and I appreciate every second he listened to me and offered up advice that I wasnt quite ready to accept. But finally I guess I did, at least the main part of it. 2009 was also somewhat wierd/complicated when it came to men. I was in a very wierd place w/ them However there was one who had "made it in"(so to speak) a few years back. I feel like I was played with emotionally though. So I had to distance myself and somehow I learned how to just turn off my feelings and just be totally indifferent. It was wierd how it happened too. Almost like it happened overnight! Its like there was a switch in my head that I just flipped off and now its like, "fuck em" and yea ur cool and yea ur fun to chill with but I HONESTLY do not want a man at all! Matter fact the thought of a relationship stresses me out! Its so much work, and at this point my life is kinda simple and I want it to stay that way for a while. Especially since Ive never been single for a significant amount of time in my adult life, let alone happy about being single. So besides being single as far as having a man, Im also still alone, really(as far as my friends) but for some reason now I like it and Im totally cool with it. Im honestly not depressed, Im just finally content being who I am and I dont want anyone new because new people(men or women, love or friendship) bring drama and bs, I guess you could say Im fed up, but Im not pissed about it, if that makes sense? This new state of mind and my "fuck the world" (w/o anger though)attitude, may be wrong, I dont know but I do know I like things simple and they are very simple right now! Im cool but for some reason once I decided to be single and stay that way, guys are coming out of the woodwork wanting to see me; lets go out, lets hang out, I miss you, you know I always liked you, I like u alot, etc... and its funny in a way but in another its like, no no no! And certain people have to be put on ignore because I just dont wanna go there right now! So anyway, this blog was really just to vent my thoughts since I got the urge to finally blog again, lol!

Hair, just kinda random...

Well recently, especially from being on twitter... Ive come across a lot of black women choosing to "go natural" its very interesting to me. Ive never thought of natural black hair as bad, I just thought of it as different. It has always interested me in a way. I also watched "Good Hair"-Chris Rock's doc. on black hair, products, relaxers, human hair "harvesting", synthetic hair, etc... now I always knew(thanks 2 my bestie being black and taking me w/ her to get hair and supplies as well as getting it done) from going to the beauty supply stores that, it was mostly Asians and some Arabs that were profiting from this business the most. It was always quite interesting to me because in a way I thought of it as exploitation. So after seeing "Good Hair" it was definitely confirmed! I have no issues either way on women deciding to wear their hair natural or deciding to perm/relax, get micros, weave, etc... I think hair is great in all forms on women, I do however prefer long hair(but thats not to say that women w/ short(er) arent just as beautiful) but I liked how the doc. showed how much revenue was generated from that industry, because that was probably not known to the masses. One thing I have noticed, that I dont like is that there are SOME please note I said SOME, black women who seem to kind of hate the women who are natural but they are mixed or bi/multi-racial(w/e u prefer) and have the more loose curls. I dont understand that, my daughter is 1/2 black and 1/2 white and her hair is in that category and I think her hair is gorgeous and so does pretty much everyone else. I would hate to know that "full black" girls/women would be mean or hate her just because thats what she was born with, because thats doing exactly what you were trying to get away from by going natural in the first place right?? Now I know you may be thinking oh what does this white girl know... you have a right to your own opinion, but you know what Im saying is real! Nobody asked to be born w/e race or ethnicity they are as well as being able to ask for the hair they have on their head! I think if women want to straighten(if black or other race w/ natural curls) or curl(if naturally straight or just not curly enough for them) its just their choice! My hair is naturally very, very wavy. I choose to blow it dry and flat iron it because thats what I like personally on myself! Lots of people, (friends mostly) love to see my hair when I occasionally let it airdry and let it be wavy and they tell me I should wear it like that, but I dont like it. So whatever you decide you like best for your hair, do it, love it and enjoy! Like I said, I have no problems w/ the natural movement, I love to see big hair, pretty braids, twists and nice tight dreds/locs(w/e term u prefer), all i ask is that you dont get too "high and mighty" and hate people who choose not to be natural or have some other texture naturally.

Baby's 1st bday

Even though it was a lot of running around and felt like the longest day ever, it was a great time! I was so happy to be with the people who were there, I was surprised and happy that there was no tension or drama between the ppl that have a lil beef. I spent time w/ my mom and it was like old times, I appreciated it even tho I was really tired. My baby is so beautiful and shes so smart, Im so blessed to have 2 beautiful babies that are smart w/ no problems. I love them both, even tho the oldest one wants to test her limits all day every day, shes a blessing and I learn from her just like she learns from me everyday! When you think about the world and how fucked up it is, you realize that when you have a baby/babies, they think you are the world and that unconditional love just makes it seem ok. Anyway, I know this is a lil bit mushier than most of my posts but it was what was on my mind.

forgiveness

Hopefully this new feeling is here to stay! I want my old self back b/c shes great! Shes not bitter, angry, and mad all the time... She's smart, educated, intelligent, pretty (and w/o makeup!), strong, intuitive, and now extra cautious! Please watch, rate, share, and SUBSCRIBE! Comment and ask questions too please I love feedback.

Life is very interesting...

I didn't expect to be in the place/state of mind I am in when I left for class earlier tonight. I went to class in a pretty good mood. After we finished going over the chapter and taking the quiz we began talking which led to pretty interesting convo. I have been hearing the same things a lot lately from completely different people, (about myself) some of these people don't even know each other. I made a decision late last year and reinforced it harder as this year passed, the decision was to not let anyone else in, in anyway shape or form. Meaning new friendships or relationships. I have always preferred a small circle anyway but I didn't even want any new "associates". There have been a couple exceptions of people who kinda made it in, but in a way they were "pre-existing" but we just began to communicate and see each other more. Once I began to notice the games, bs or w/e u wanna call it, I dealt with it in my new way of basically saying "fuck em" and making a note in my mind that THEY NO LONGER MATTER and trying to train my mind to associate hate and dislike w/ them. Which apparently I shouldn't do, even if they're liars or full of shit. It was brought to my attention tonight that I seem to have blocked my heart & made it cold. When I think about it, it's true. I used to not be this way, I used to try to always remain open to people(friends and or associates I already had and newer people to my life) but its been difficult for me to do the forgetting part of forgive and FORGET! So since I'm hearing it from quite a few different people, I think maybe I need to address it in my life. Its very, very hard for me to try and open myself back up to basically "the world" because I refuse to get hurt, tried, played with, etc... ever again! But my teacher said something that made me think of it differently. People are brought into your life for many different reasons and you never know when you meet them why, how long they will be in your life and so on... you also never realize the effect you may have on people so you should always be yourself and don't let anger, hate, bitterness, or the past change you. I really thought about that. I've always had the "everything happens for a reason" mantra and I fully believe it even though its hard as hell to accept sometimes, but I do believe it. He also said you should be yourself and be happy because your life affects you and if they choose to use people and lie and w/e else, its their journey in this life and odds are they are unhappy people. Which makes sense. I do want to be happy and I don't want my daughters to ever feel this way so I am honestly going to try and stop being so quick to just write people off and hate them because all that does is make me angry and more bitter inside which will never help me to be happy. This will not happen overnight, because the way that I am now didn't just happen overnight, it was quite a few years in the making. I did realize something very important(well Ive always known but this made it clearer) I have 2 best friends period! I don't even need to name them because they both know who they are and if you truly know me you also know who they are. We love each other, even with all of our faults and we fight just as hard because of that, but the point is that they are 2 very deep relationships. We would kill a bitch over each other, although they themselves aren't friends, they still know. I appreciate these 2 relationships more than anything, (besides my daughters). So yea... I'm really going to just let people be themselves with no expectations and however they choose to act is on them. I am however not gonna go out of my way to please people but I am going to try and be nicer than I have been. Someone else recently told me: "you're so mean and you don't even really know me, why is that?" And I said you know what you are right I should actually get to know you before I treat you like that because you haven't done anything to me. ;) Well I guess that's it for now because at this point I feel like I'm rambling. Oh but I am gonna start going to church because I feel like I need it and it may help me stop being so angry and so quick to hate. Alright like always, COMMENTS & QUESTIONS are always welcome and appreciated! FOLLOW THIS BLOG PLEASE! And on twitter: twitter.com/ama_nicol
-AP :D

explanation...

I know I keep saying I'm gonna make a vid or vids and never seem to get to it, well here's why... I refuse to look busted on video just like I hate to take and post bad pics on my myspace. It takes time to setup my lights/lamps, cam, do my hair and make sure my face looks perfect(to me at least) w/ no bags or dark circles, etc... So I promise I am gonna make these vids and I really want and need to b/c when I do I love them! Its just taking me a lil minute to get it together. Plus, I am taking more classes this term and I started working out so, you know how that goes, less time to blog and or bs online lol ;) well that's it really. Oh and check out Vince's blogs he keeps u up to date on the hotness when it comes to music. That's my dogg yall! http://vishusv.blogspot.com/
anyway, till next time...

idea for a new video

I came across some interesting you tube videos concerning mixed/bi-racial/multiracial people which was very interesting to watch. I like that the majority of them really feel that they're not just one race more than the other. That's what I hope my daughters grow up to feel as well. I want them to know both sides and not have to "pick a side". http://www.youtube.com/user/tiffdjones vids were great, especially the interviews of other mulattoes and their experience. So I think I'm going to make a video of my own similar to hers and others like it, but obviously I'm not mixed, I am however mother to 2 mulatto daughters who are very different when it comes to their appearance. Anyway, I hope to do the video tonight or sometime this week. Its a good topic that's brushed off and not talked about too much really. So just look for the upcoming video!